“I still can’t believe that you would just leave it at that.”
I rolled my eyes before continuing what I was reading. I have been listening to that exact same line for over an hour already and I still have to hear the end of it. The things is, I don’t really get why people would insist on me doing something more about you and me or why they even try to pester me about it. It wasn’t like something actually did happen between us. Nothing ever did except for those few conversations that, yes, I will admit, I thought meant something more.
I should probably have kept my mouth shut about that. I have every reason to believe that it was the reason for all the harping I have been hearing for over a week now. But I guess, I got blinded with the idea that maybe, just maybe, there was something there aside from empty words and stupid wishful thinking.
“You were in love!”
I didn’t even justify that with an answer. Why do people think that they have to just rub it in when they already know that it’s painful? I was stupid. I made the mistake of assuming that you felt the same way too. It was a total miracle that I didn’t say anything to you. I can just imagine how that would have ended up.
“Really? With who? How come you never told me anything?”
I almost jumped off of my bed when I heard your voice. I gave my friend a talk-and-i-will-kill-you look to shut her up before looking at you. I tried to keep a straight face while looking at the bags behind you, just outside my door.
There’s the reason why I didn’t say anything, I said in my mind.
You walked in without being invited and sat beside me, your eyes never leaving my face.
The questions you asked were still etched on your face as if waiting for me to answer. I just rolled my eyes again and continued reading. I didn’t even look at you when you poked me.
“What? Cat got your tongue?” You asked. I just gave you a blank stare before returning to my book.
There were a lot of things that I wanted to say, a lot of things that I wanted to tell you, but I just don’t see the point.
“I’m going to get something to eat.” My friend said. It was obvious that she just left to give us some time to talk especially since there is an open box of pizza in front of me with just two slices missing. You didn’t seem to mind though.
“I don’t do circles.” I said after awhile. The silence was just a little too uncomfortable.
“I really didn’t get that.” You said with a laugh. I tried not to sigh, something that I would always do when you laugh.
There was just something melodious about it that always gets me. Well, everything you do always have that effect on me anyway, but somehow, your laugh had a certain appeal that I can’t quite figure out.
“There’s no point on telling you. It’s not like you’re going to be here anyway.” I bit my tongue, trying hard not to curse myself for blurting out that last part. I just hope that it didn’t sound as bitter as I thought it did.
I heard you sigh but I didn’t want to take the chance of looking at you. You would see right through me if I did and that’s something that I didn’t want to happen. Things are already hard the way it is. I don’t want to complicate things any further.
“I’m still here and you’re already cutting me off.” You said. Your voice was almost just a notch above a whisper.
I tried to ignore the disappointment in your voice. If I didn’t, I’d probably let my mind create another hopeful scenario that would make my heart stupidly hope for something that wasn’t there again. I was stupid but I didn’t deserve the torment.
I flipped the page of the book before answering, not that the words from the previous page actually made sense. “That’s where it’s going anyway. And like you have the right to be disappointed. You’re the one leaving.”
“You knew about this all along…”
Again, I held my tongue. I didn’t want to say anything hurtful. It was bad enough already, me trying to cope up with you leaving just when I have let myself fall for you. It wasn’t your fault, I know. But I just really can’t keep myself from blaming you anyway.
I was doing okay with my life before you came out of nowhere and started turning it upside down. You didn’t have to be nice to me. You didn’t have to talk sweetly to me. You didn’t have to tell me all your hopes and fears and share mine. You didn’t need to be part of my life yet you went ahead and barged in.
“I just came to say goodbye.”
Those words I have come to fear hearing this past few days echoed in my mind. Instinctively, I closed my eyes to fight the tears. You don’t deserve seeing me cry and feeling guilty about leaving. I don’t deserve the pity.
“I know,” I said, almost just whispering. I guess you heard it anyway since you’re arms was suddenly wrapped around me, squeezing me into a tight hug. I closed my eyes tighter this time, forcing my tear ducts to keep the tears at bay. It seems that I was more prepared for this day than I have thought because the tears didn’t fall. I didn’t hug you back though. I didn’t want to break the very thin resolve that I had. If I did, hug you back I mean, I’d end up crying and asking you to stay. The hug ended just as fast as it came. And before I can even wrap my mind around it, you were already at the door, picking your bags.
It took all my will power to take my eyes off of you and back to the book. I didn’t want to see you leave. I’d rather that you didn’t say goodbye too. I had hoped that you would just leave just like the way that you appeared in my life, unexpected and unplanned. I didn’t want you to take more of me than you already have because if you did, I would have nothing left.
Six months. That was all that it took for you to turn my life upside down without you even knowing. Six months were all I ever got of your time, and with how things are, that is all that I will ever get. I have been stupid enough to fall in love with the person next door knowing that like everyone else, you would be gone just as soon as you arrived. I just wish I knew why fate had thought that it was a good idea to put you into my life when you’re not staying anyway.
“Will you miss me?” Of all the things that you can ask, you just had to pick that one.
“I’ll try not to if it bothers you.” I answered in a monotone. I heard you sigh followed by the sound of a bag being zipped close. For the third time, I closed my eyes. Even then, I knew that I’d have that sound ringing in my mind for a while when you’re gone. I didn’t want to say anything more. I was just there, waiting for the final blow, the sound of your footsteps walking away.
“Can you at least let me know, the person you are in love with, I mean.” It wasn’t a question. My mind had become numb and was too slow to realize what I was doing. I was already facing you, your eyes meeting mine, before it even registered.
My voice cracked when I spoke. “Would it make any difference?”
You didn’t say anything after that. You just lowered your eyes before starting to walk away. You understood what I meant without me saying the words out loud. Just like the fact that I understood your silence and the silent message of hearing your footsteps walking away from me. That was your real goodbye and I have heard it all too clearly.
I just sat there, wondering if I made the biggest mistake in my life as I try to remember the loneliness that I saw in your face and the pain that was dancing in your eyes as you stood by my door. It kept on playing on my mind, taunting me to lose control and just run after you. But I didn’t, no matter how much I wanted to. I can’t do that to you. I can’t do that to myself too.
“Please stay…” I said, knowing that you won’t hear it anymore.
At that very moment, I wished I had the courage to tell you that before you left. I wished I wasn’t a coward to just let you slip away without telling you how I really feel, how much I wanted you to leave everything else behind just to be with me. I wished I was selfish enough to say those words.
Just then, I heard the sound of bags falling on the floor. “That should have been the first thing you said, you asshole.”
Whatever control I had over my tears before was gone in a blink.