HIT AND MISS

“Maybe some other time…”

I watch as the rear lights of the bus slowly disappear in the distance, dragging my still swollen feet as I try to walk away from the terminal. If there was one thing that is clear tonight, it’s the fact that fate is but a heartless bitch, and maybe, the fact that it kind of sucks to be me.

I look at the time on my phone, trying hard not to curse. Not even a minute has passed but still, I was too late.

Slowly, I dragged myself back inside the waiting tricycle. That was all that was left for me to do anyway, drag myself back into the oblivion of not knowing what might have been, what could have been, probably drown myself in the what ifs of my existence.

“Don’t worry too much, she’ll be back.” The tricycle driver said, looking as if he actually understood how I was feeling. I gave him a weak smile and told him to get going. He was right, you know. You’ll be back. I’m just not sure if I’d still be here.

Back at the house, I rummaged through the already packed things to look at that one photograph that I have of the two of us together. I gave out a sigh, realizing only now that all these packing could have waited one more day, that I could have spent the day with you. But I ended up being me as usual and had to spend the rest of the day packing while you packed your own things. I was leaving. You were too.

And like me, you did what you had to do. You fixed your things, prepared what needed to be prepared. I just hope that you were more prepared than I am because this feeling, this loneliness of leaving and being left at the same time, it’s killing me.

I did plan on meeting you earlier if not for the freaking computer monitor falling on my foot. Instead of rushing to you and taking what probably is the last chance for me to say what I needed to say, I spent the remaining time we could have had in the emergency room. Luckily, no bone is broken but it’s going to be sore for the next few days or even weeks.

Maybe you can call it poetic justice. My foot isn’t broken. Everything else is, however, and that was actually more painful than the pain I feel in every step.

Looking at the photograph, I can’t help but ask how it could have been between the two of us. Would we have been great together? Could we have been happy? Would you have ended up loving me, the way I have come to love you.

I let out another sigh and dropped the photograph back into the box. Looking around, the room do look like the way I feel right now; messy, disoriented, almost barren if not for the boxes lying around, all because I didn’t have the courage to take the chance.

Up to the very last minute, I didn’t say a word. I don’t even have enough strength to compose a message to say goodbye, much more to tell you how I really feel. Maybe it was because you are leaving or the fact that I was leaving too.

Instead of dwelling on the “what-might-have-beens”, I continued packing the rest of my things. I will be leaving the day after tomorrow and be gone until I don’t know when.

I tried to console myself into thinking that it was better this way. It would have never worked out. You’d be somewhere and I’d be somewhere else. We could try but it would really be hard. Besides, I’m not even sure if you actually feel the same way. Like me, you never said a word.

When I told you I was packing, you just said that you were doing the same thing too. That’s it.

After finishing, I looked at my phone one last time. Mastering whatever courage I still have left in my system, I wrote a message and sent it to you.

“Have a safe trip…” That was all that I sent because that was all that was left for me to say.

I took one more sweep of the room before deciding to go out. I cringed when I saw the computer monitor, still lying there, untouched. It has become a silent reminder of the things that I am about to lose.

I walked out of my room and out of the house, taking my time, wondering if I’d ever be able to come back here ever again. Slowly, I closed the door behind me, looking at my feet, amazed at how easily it had seem to just walk out even with the bandage on. It wasn’t.

Maybe someday, one day, at some other time, I’d be back here to never leave again. I gave out a hollow laugh. Always, always waiting for someday to come; that sums up my whole existence.

There’s a life waiting for me somewhere else, I told myself. That wasn’t any consolation though. My life would never ever be the same again, especially since you’re not going to be there anymore.

“You could have told me that in person.”

My eyes darted from my feet into your face. My jaw dropped and it took me a while before finding my voice.

“You missed your bus?” I asked, still not believing that you were there in front of me with your luggage.

“Well, some things seem to have better aim than I do.” You said chuckling, looking at my bandaged foot. “You should have told me.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.” I said meekly.

“I didn’t want to wait for someone who isn’t coming either.”

That took my breath away. Why would you be waiting. And just like that, the words came out of my mouth.

“You waited for me?” I asked.

“You really are dense.”

You took a step towards me and got me into a very tight embrace as if you never wanted to let go. Surprised, it took another minute for me to hug you back just as tightly. If this is all that I’ll ever get, if this is all that it will ever be, then I’ll take it.

“That’s all I’ve been doing since the day that I met you.” I was left speechless.

Just like that, someday came. How is it going to end? I’m not really sure and I don’t really care. Someday came and nothing else mattered.

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