I was in a middle of a meeting when I saw your message. For about a minute there, I just stared at the notification, trying to ask myself if it was really your name that I was seeing.
I faltered at what I was trying to say because my mind just went blank right there and then. All I can think of is that of your name on the screen, waiting, like an old door asking to be opened.
It’s been years since I last saw you, and about six months since I last allowed myself to even think of you. And now, here you are, reminding me yet again of the things that I wanted to forget.
Of course you were getting married at some point in time. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe otherwise. I just didn’t think that it would be this soon, and the bigger reason, not with me. Somehow, I always had the notion that it would be you and me. That was until six months ago, when you called out of the blue just to tell me the news.
“I’m happy for you,” I said, trying to hold my emotions down as my mind tried to grasp everything that you were saying. As for my heart, it went down the drain soon as you said, “…someone else…”
You asked if I would attend your wedding. I said no without any pretense. You didn’t ask why because we both knew that none of us wanted to hear the answer.
So you got married and I honestly wanted you to be happy. I also wanted to break your neck for telling me.
It took me an hour to finish what should have been a fifteen minute presentation. Half of that I spent trying to ignore the phone in my hand.
I can’t really think of anything that you would want to say to me, at least not of anything that I would want to hear. You got married. That’s the last news I wanted to hear about you.
Still, I opened the message.
“Will you ever forgive me?” That was your message.
For what? For not waiting for me? I can’t be angry because of that. It wasn’t your responsibility. For making me believe that you’d wait? Probably not for that either. For hurting me? Maybe, just maybe.
I sent that without thinking. It just felt as if I owe you that much. I didn’t wait long for your reply.
“For not trusting you enough to wait for you.”
I turned off my phone after that. It was all I can do really, to shut it off, thinking that by doing so, I could shut the pain out too. But things don’t really work that way.
As always, the pain was overwhelming, just like when I ask you to wait, just like when you said that you can’t promise that.
I wanted to be someone you would be proud of, that would be worth your love, and for that I needed time. I had hoped for a second chance or at least a new beginning, but as it seems, it is not for me.
Days passed after that message, then weeks, then months which then turned into years.
From out of the blue, I received another message from you. The same question. But that’s just it. It was the wrong question.
It wasn’t a question of me forgiving you but the other way around, and maybe that of me forgiving me.
“Are you happy?” I asked instead. You said yes.
“Cliche as it sounds, it wasn’t you. It was me. I’m sorry…” That was the truth.
“Are you happy?” You asked in return.
I just smiled before I replied.
“Definitely.” I said. You didn’t need to hear the maybe after that.