JUST FOR NOW

The wind was quite strong at that place for some reason and I watched as it played with your hair as you were looking at the other direction. The sound of wave crashing on the shoreline was music as always, like a small thumping beat, one you can either put as rather joyous or sad.

Without you saying anything, I knew you were scared. So was I. But none of us said a single word. We just stood there, looking at the sunset, your hand in mine, your back on my chest, and the scent of your perfume drowning me.

You said that you didn’t like sunsets. It was too melodramatic for your taste, too sad, too overused, too much of goodbyes.

As for me, I love the sunset, how the blue sky turns to bright pastel colors of red, yellow, and orange, how it deems everything else, making you focus more on your other senses. I love the fact that it means endings, the sadness of it all. I love standing under the dying light and think back if I have given it my all.

A felt a shiver run down your body so I hugged you a little tighter, still basking in the sweet silence that was between us. I guess that’s one more thing that I like about sunsets; you no longer have to talk to show how much you care. You just have to feel it, to know it, and make it last, as long as you can.

“What are you going to do know?” Your voice quavered a little, a little unsure, too weak, but I heard it loud and clear. But you didn’t give me the chance to answer.

“Forget about me…”

I closed my eyes to keep the tears from falling before nudging you a little so that your eyes meet mine. I slowly pushed away the tangles of hair that was covering your face, and there it was, the mouth, the nose, those tiny little freckles underneath your eyes, those long lashes, and those deep brown eyes that I have always loved, the face that I have painted in my heart for years. How can I ever forget that?

I planted a kiss at the tip of your nose and smiled. You were crying again, hot tears rolling down your pale cheeks, your eyes full of sorrow. And there I was thinking that I could take them all away. I guess I needed more time, something that I don’t have any more.

“You know I can’t do that, even if I tried,” I whispered softly. Those weren’t the right words; those weren’t the words you wanted to hear. But that was the truth and I didn’t want to lie to you. You smiled bitterly and gave me a quick weak kiss on the cheeks. I almost broke down.

“How I wish you’d lie to me sometimes…”

Oh, I did, about little things. I never told you the truth why I was late when we went to your parents’ house. I never told you why it took me forever to go and pee that time in church. I never told you why I look away every time I hear you call my name. Lying by omission. By now, I have lied to you countless times.

“I’ve lied, you know that,” I said, smiling again. “I’m human too, you know.”

You just stared at me. “I know,” And for some reason, that gave back a little twinkle in your eyes.

“Are you scared?”

“No.” And there I was lying again, just like when I said that I was stuck in traffic to your parent’s house when all along, I was just outside, in the car, waiting for the tears to stop from falling, or that time in church when I spent almost an hour in the restroom, cleaning the mirror I have broken after listening to you talk to the priest, or that time when you were in the hospital, grasping my hand, calling my name, when I wasn’t strong enough to look at you fading away, inch by inch.

I lied about not hating God for doing this to us. I lied about being okay with your choice of not going through the operation yet again. I wanted you to fight, at least one more time, but you said you were tired, so I just said okay. I lied about that too. It wasn’t okay. You were giving up. That wasn’t okay with me.

“You don’t have to lie anymore,” You said, giving me yet another kiss, on the lips this time. And I broke down. The touch of your lips on mine, the feel of your hand on my cheeks, your body against mine, your scent, everything about you was saying goodbye.

“Just let me lie, at least for now, just for now, please…” And you smiled, one last time.

“Sure…” You said as you closed your eyes.

“I love you,” My voice was shaking, the tears flowing like a river during a storm, giving you one last kiss, as your arm dropped to your side, as your body went limp. I said those three words over and over again, until the darkness finally set in.

You hated the sunset because you knew it would be the time that you’d leave. I would always love the sunset because it was the last time that I’d have you with me.

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